year-end assessment

another year is about to end and here i am reminiscing the highlights of my life this year. it was sure of a rollercoaster ride, the year wherein i learned the most and experienced extreme emotions.

in the beginning of this year, one of my bestfriends' mom was killed for reasons still unknown. it was a huge blow for her and for me too bec it was my first time to actually know someone who was killed on purpose. it was my first encounter on human cruelty -- little did i know i'd meet more later this year.

good things came my way come feb, as i was promoted to team lead -- handling 16 agents. i became more focused with work and really learned a lot during the process. leadership was not easy, and my previous mentor was right -- most of it i had to learn through experience. i had to overcome several threats, and it did not take me long enough to figure out that sometimes you have to play along to understand the rules of the game.

someone whom i treated as my mentor told me the most shocking thing in the world last april. i knew at that time that it was just a game, a game i am not in the mood to play. work is all i can think of, and although i earned the position -- i felt that i needed to prove my worth to everyone. we did not talk for weeks, until he told me that he was over it -- and we went back to our usual closeness.

i went out on a couple of dates, but none of them became exclusive -- maybe because i really wasn't looking for commitment as i am enjoying my bachelorette life so much. countless inuman sessions, night outs here and there. i was having fun (thank god for my ultimate girl friends!), but i must admit i knew something is missing and a part of me feels lonely at the end of the day.

stress on work became frequent come mid of this year. i am a workaholic person, majority of my tenure at the company would have me being really perked up for work. that's why when it came to a point that i am literally dragging myself to work, i knew i had to think that maybe a career move is necessary for me. but i enjoy leading my team so much, that i set it aside and try to focus on what needs to be done.

just when i thought i was about to end the year straight up, i became close to a guy come september. his reputation is horrible and i was told countless times to stay away. it has always been a part of me to see the best in people, and that's what i did. his vulnerability got me to believe his sincerity and eventually, i fell. part of me knew that it wouldn't last, so i just made the most of it and dropped him.

and then he told me those three words that shook me. and weirdly enough, i believed him even though all the clues are telling me otherwise. it did not take long before he told me the truth, and i had no trouble accepting it. accepted yes, but painful -- hell yes. i guess the reason for the pain is not the fact that he's not for me, but the fact that i kept on clouding myself for months that i was just another girl who was stupid enough to believe that we might actually have a happy ending. i closed my doors to anyone for two weeks, though i still receive a lot of revelations pointing to the harsh reality that he was not whom i thought he was. i used it to my advantage to get better, and i was proud of myself that i am now able to smile in less than a month after the storm.

just like last year, i also lost a friend this december. he was very important to me and treated him as my all-in-one friend. i'd like to think that he did not want to drop me, and that it was a decision he had to make. losing him made me realize that people do really change, and some of them -- even overnight. i learned to take care of my friends more, and make sure not to do anything that may damage it even for a tiniest bit.

december is also a month of fun, as my good friend came from abroad once again. it was a different setup this time though. we are going out on a different set of friends as compared to last year. i love being with them because knowing them for 14 years made us feel comfortable around each other -- talking about anything without pretentions and hesitations.

i decided to leave my beloved company of almost three years too. i felt that 2010 was the perfect time to start anew on a different company with an entirely different crowd. it was a very difficult decision to make, around 60% of the reason being my attachment to my team. but i promised them that this wouldn't end there, and that i'll be keeping in touch.

upon leaving the company, i was surprised to know of people who wanted to pursue me months ago but was pushed back for some reason. i turned them down, not because i don't like them -- but because i am really not ready to open myself to anyone for the next couple of months. i want to give back to myself what i had lost -- and i know that it would only happen if i take total control of myself and be happy on my own.

so just like last year, i'm facing 2010 alone. i'm sure it's going to be one hell of a ride again, this time applying all the lessons i learned this year. i am still me, only wiser and stronger. :-)

TTYL,

on finding a useful distraction.

okay, so here i am again. finding myself in the exact same situation i was one year ago. i promised myself i will not write anything about my feelings here in my public blog, but what the hell.. at this point who cares about anything anymore?

falling for someone with a horrible reputation is definitely a risky process. but knowing me, stubborn that i am, took the risk and believed all the sweet talks wishing that what he has for me is something different and real. of course, i found out i was dead wrong shortly. i knew the exact reason for the fall out, and it sucks that up to the last minute i was denied of the truth. i am not mad, i am just disappointed that he was not man enough to tell it to my face. as what my blog states, the painful truth is always better than some fabricated sweet lie.

so here i was, informed that my time is up and that i was expired. o-kay. to top it up, things at work is not doing any good either. i was having the worst week of my life.

i'd like to think that what i am going through is bad karma, and at some point i'd like to dwell on the pain so guilt will not forever live within me. but i guess i'm only human, and needs a really good dose of distraction to keep me sane. what have i done so far?

1. deactivated my facebook account.

2. bought a couple of good mags and books to read to keep me from going online.

3. shop shop shop.

4. meet up with old friends.

i still have a lot to work on, especially on what to do when lapses strike me. i treat myself right now as an ongoing project, and when i am done i'm sure i will be as good as i was nearly 3 months ago. =)

TTYL,

the excuse that i hate the most.

"I don't have time!"

it's frustrating whenever i hear people say that excuse. time, of course, is a finite resource and it's conceivable that you could have run out of it. but what is most irritating is that the people that most use this excuse are the lazy procrastinating types who would rather make excuses than actually do the task requested.

whenever someone tells me that, i always feel like telling that person "i don't have the time to listen to you say 'you don't have the time' because that is bullshit!"

i mean, come on. who are we fooling here? if it is important to you, you'll make the time. if it is important to you, you'll find the time. if it is important to you, you'll set aside other tasks to attend to it. but let's face it, what you're really saying is that "i have things to attend to, which in my perspective, is a more important task than what you are asking for." worse, it could be "i don't care about finishing that task at all" or in a more personal perspective, "i don't care about you!" which in my opinion is a more acceptable reason than telling me that you don't have the freakin' time.

okay, i'm a hypocrite if i tell you i've never used that excuse in my life. i did. although you will rarely hear me say that line, still, i spend most of my day at home locked up in my room instead of spend time with my family whom i dearly love. i guess self-improvement only comes when we recognize that the flaws that we see in others reflected in ourselves and we make the choice to acknowledge those flaws and strive to improve as a person.

just my two cents.

(i'd probably give more than two, but i just don't have the time!)

TTYL,

there's no such thing as 'meant to be.'

two days ago i went to watch "(500) Days of Summer" @ glorietta. i was informed not to see the film with someone whom i just started dating since it will just draw out every doubt in my mind with the person sitting next to me. however, if i am pretty confident with the guy, then by all means watch the film with him.

i watched the movie with him. now, i'm not sure what's running through his head while watching it but i can't help myself glancing at him everytime the lines hit me. there are two things that stuck to my head while watching it: 1.) the build up. 2.) fate.

1.) the build up

Tom is the type of guy who believes in true love, so much that he blinded himself to the way Summer treated him and the lack of appreciation she had for him by focusing only on the good times they shared and disregarding the poor way she treated him. in life, we are all guilty of the same attitude that Tom displayed. we build the person up in our minds to the point that we believe that the person is made for us. the movie teaches us that sometimes we have to look beyond the fairy tale we think we live in and get feedback from friends about the person we put on a pedestal. it hit me with the reality that it's nearly impossible to make an accurate assessment of a person when such strong emotions are involved.

2.) fate

Summer mentioned how she could have been anywhere else in the world, but that coffeehouse. she could have arrived just a couple minutes later and she would have never met "the one," but it was because of “fate” that she ended up where she did when she did. she also mentioned about being engaged so quickly because she woke up one morning and just knew what she was never sure of during the many months she was with Tom. i remember saying "ouch..." when Summer said those lines. and i just nodded slowly, knowing how true was that in real life. i have encountered a lot of couples who got married in just months of being together, and some of them used to be in a relationship for 6-7 years and yet the idea of marriage never crossed their minds.

there's no such thing as soulmates. if you close your mind to that belief then you have to be prepared for the biggest heartbreak of your life. being real and keeping your eyes open is a big factor in finding your true love. he/she have to appreciate all your flaws and love you even without a tiara or a wand. fairy tales don't come true, and there will be times that both of you will not live happily ever after.

on our way out of the cinema, we are both smiling. it's a chick flick so i don't know if he was able to comprehend the lessons of the movie. then he looked at me in the eye and told me he missed me and that he wants to be with me.

and there i was, blinded once again.

TTYL,

sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare.

you've got to hand it to beyonce for telling me that my guilty pleasure ain't going nowhere. oh well, it's not normal anyways to be where i am right now. i admit, i'm addicted. and as time goes by, it only makes me crave for more. however, i am worried about how this will take me. and until now, the only possible answer that i could get was: this will take me nowhere.

as beyonce sings:

♫ You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare

Either way I don't wanna wake up from you ♫

i have already gone through the extremities of most things, so i figured i should gamble. all-in. and this time what i am most afraid of is expecting the unexpected. i may have a straight flush, but what if the other has the royal flush? i am so screwed. and it's only a matter of time before all cards are laid down. tick-tock!

i have invested quite much already, i am hoping to get my return of investment pretty soon. =)

TTYL,

i'm walking away.

time to part-ay! =)

it's nearing december and i can't wait to be back to my old ways. i guess that's what i needed right now, constant party and booze to make me love singlehood once again. i needed a change in atmosphere, to be anywhere but here. i want to be positive that things will fall back into place for me, maybe not now but i'm looking forward to it. maybe God is preparing me for something much much better, not necessarily love but things that can finally put a permanent smile to my face.

i miss the perky me.

i am going to miss everything that i am about to turn my back on. it's not my wish to do it, but i have to, to keep my sanity intact. it's about time to look for my own happiness. most of the people i care for have found theirs, and it just sucks that i am not part of it. i may not be visible to them but they will always be a part of me and continue to cheer them on from afar.

maybe goodbyes wasn't so bad after all. maybe it was coined for something that has to end so that something better can enter the scene and make me feel contented with who i am.

TTYL,

ten random.

i decided to sit back and write something positive. =)

10 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT KAT

1. cyberworld is where i can be completely me.

i spend more than 80% of my time at home online.

i consider the Internet as an entirely different world where i can spit my worthless thoughts and nobody will care. my brain never fails to cram for new ideas and safekeeps them for future use.

2. i'm addicted to BAGS. BAGS. BAGS.

ralph lauren. fendi. liz claiborne. nine west. dooney & bourke. lv.

my eyes never fail to lock themselves on a store window whenever i pass by a bag store. whenever i open ebay i always feel the urge to get that shopper's bag, or that bowler's bag. i'm far from being rich and it came to a point that i want to save for a neverfull lv bag. oh my. i have bags more than anything else i have. and i'm going gaga over that classy hermes birkin bag i saw at the mall recently. yum.

3. i get tired easily.

literally and figuratively.

...i've been wanting to go the gym for regular workouts but somehow i always fail to do it. i also have very low pain tolerance and i can't be left alone for anything that requires needles.

ironically speaking,

dump me once and i'm over you.

i'd give you my world but if you continue to reject me, i will not push myself to the limit.

i have always been monogamous,

but unreciprocated love can be tiring.

4. EATING is considered a hobby for me.

top food choices:

aveneto, conti's, friday's & pancake house.

i guess that's the reason why i reject going to the gym.

because eating is sooo much better. =)

5. guy best buds are the best!

i have always been close to my guy friends bec they make me laugh and they make me realize that i am being stupid when in-love. i guess what i love about them is they always say things matter-of-factly, unlike gal pals who sugar-coat everything and sometimes tell their boyfriends whatever you tell them. with us girls, it has always been a given that if i promised that i won't tell anyone, that means i won't tell anyone OTHER than my boyfriend. =)

6. i have admitted to liking someone only once in my life.

... and i feel completely idiotic for doing that.

my time table for getting over the humiliation is around 1 month.

maybe less.

go kat go!

7. i have been tagged as a PLAYER at some point.

that's literally LMAO.

to be honest i felt flattered when i heard that, i mean wow.

i have always had this notion that if you're not hot and gorgeous, you have no right to play.

oh well, they proved me wrong.

i'm a player? hell yeah!

8. i am insomniac.

i'm the type of person who feels that time is gold and should be spent awake as much as possible. weird i know. maybe it started when i became super busy and my tiny free times were spent going online and going out on gimiks instead of sleeping. my ideal free night would be on my bed, a laptop in front of me and a coffee right beside it.

9. my room is a mess.

when you enter my small room you will wonder if a girl really sleeps in here.

i try to keep it clean, but at the end of the day.. it's back to being messy again.

shame on me.

10. what kat wants, kat doesn't always gets.

unfortunately, i am not a spoiled brat.

i have come to accept that certain things can't just be mine.

like this, that and you.

TTYL,

toilet flush.

here i am, still awake thinking of you.

i know exactly where you are right now and i know that i am the last person that will ever cross your mind. i get it, and the only the chance of me being with you is when hell freezes over. what i just don't get is how much you have an impact on me. yes, i like you. I DAMN, FREAKIN LIKE YOU. if only i can send that message down to your clueless brain. of course you will never know that.

why am i always drawn to insensitive jocks? why do i reject honest, decent guys who approach me? my friends just shake their heads on me whenever i go for bad ass guys who are so obsessed with themselves that they could just marry their egos. and yet i complain that nobody cares for me. my friend corrected me by saying: "no dude, no insensitive asshole cares for you -- and trust me, nobody of their 'kind' will." another one added: "and until you change your preference on men, you will forever be a bridesmaid but never the bride."

talk about friends who smack you on your face.

don't start asking me. cos trust me i have no idea too. i have maybe's, but i can't pinpoint why. maybe jocks appear more masculine for me (i'm dreaming of the idea of having a knight in shining armor who will protect me from harm. lol). maybe decent guys are just too ummm... decent for me? or maybe i want to get serious while i'm on the playing field. and that, i know, is mission impossible.

and even if i'm liberated, i don't compromise my values for anyone. no matter how much i like the guy, i may slip on letting him feel it but there's no way i'll tell it directly. i have ground rules: no sleeping until we're formally together, no 'meet the parents' until we are at least a month old, no PDA's, and.. either we are exclusive or your flesh is for the rest of sluts to share. call me selfish, but open relationships will never be an option for me. especially when i'm in love. i'd cry buckets in my room of you not being with me rather than look like an idiot in front of everyone else while you make fun of me.

this guy and my values totally clash. as in 360 degrees -- impossible. i guess i will just have to wait either for him to like me too and accept my ground rules or for me to shift my attention to a more deserving son of a bitch. however, if there's one thing i'm really good at: that's being stubborn.

oh, and i'm good at throwing tantrums too.

TTYL,

i kissed an alien and i hate it!

it's official. i declare my absolute HATE on you.

you never fail to make me squirm every single day. you make me jump for joy when you don't talk to me. how could you be so insensitive? what you're doing to me and to everyone else is very inhumane. sometimes i doubt if you're really human, maybe you're a really intelligent alien who vowed to make everyone's lives as hell as possible. i can't even believe that someone fell in-love with you, or maybe you're both an alien? well, i sure hope you leave our planet real soon because we don't want you here.

i've never really hated anyone this much in my entire life, until now. i normally see the best in people, sometimes over trusting them and me being hurt in the process. but you are different. you don't listen, you are selfish, you don't trust people & you love it when the people around you are not happy. which really made me doubt if you are human because it is very evident that you don't have a heart.

you make me sick.

TTYL,

i'm a genious.

i need someone to give me a really good 'i-told-you-so' slap in the face.

there's only one person in the world who knows what i'm going through right now and i can't believe that history is repeating itself.

wow, and i'm crying. nice.

i guess now i understand why god wanted me to be alone for quite some time, bec he knew something like this would happen. he knew that i'm not that strong for this and that i don't learn my lesson. if the rest of the world knew what i'm going through, i would get a million laughs, maybe a few raised eyebrows, and a couple of "ang tanga tanga mo!" and "are you serious?!" comments.

god katz you're 23 years old and you're acting like a freakin twelve-year-old. this is insane. i can't move, i was even shaking hours ago. and the fact that i need to let it out without actually talking to someone means that i'm going to explode.

this is the last time that i will write about my stupidity, until this is in public.

TTYL,

just another pathetic-ness moment.

i am probably the only blogger in the world who is not comfortable or is not that happy when people i know read my posts. this blog used to be in private for several months until i decided to set it for public viewing late last year to get random thoughts from others. since then, friends from everywhere just come up to me and tell me that they read my blog, most of the time teasing me and quoting quotes from one of my entries. writing has always been my means to express my thoughts and emotions, and being cautious of what i say in my blog just because people read it just defeits its purpose.

to be honest i always want to talk about fun stuff when blogging. it's just that, those sad, pathetic moments always creep into my mind and i always end up talking about it! my close friends know that i am not very good at expressing my feelings and i normally express them through letters, that's why putting me on the spot and grilling me with the contents of my blog is just plain irritating for me.

i am seriously considering of setting my blog back in private mode so i can freely express whatever i wanna say again. like, my disappointment.. my hope.. my plan.. my excitement!, my irritation, and my dream. and as long as people keep bugging me about how i feel right now, i will never even try write anything close to it!

but on second thought :)

...yes, i miss you like hell.

...no, i'm not that into you.

...give me more reasons and i'm out of here.

...get over it, everyone is laughing already.

...you are what you do.

...i f**king hate your stinking guts.

...countless gimiks here i come again!

...i'm still waiting for you.

TTYL,

womanizers go to hell.

Noun 1. womanizer - a man who likes many women and has short sexual relationships with them.

there's just too much of your kind in the world. karma will come find all of you and cut your balls so you can't use them.

it makes me sad to think that some men think they're so cool to fool multiple girls at the same time. and what's worse? they tend to get both the goody good girls and the hot ones. let's see... who are they? what do they do? and how do you deal with them?

"A womanizer is a man who repeatedly gets emotionally and sexually involved with other women while being in a primary relationship. He indulges in flirtatious behaviors, attracting women with his charm and wooing conduct. Womanizing males are often very charming, appealing, and may even seem vulnerable, which many women find most endearing. Along with the playful seduction come flattering words, gifts, entertainment and fun activities bestowed upon his momentary love interest.

Lying is a necessary companion of all illegal and immoral conduct. The womanizer spins a web of intricate lies, cover-up stories and false alibis to sustain his double life.

Sex is not necessarily what he seeks, but it is the ultimate form of female acceptance. Some people term womanizers as sex-addicts, I prefer to view them as validation-addicts. Not that this distinction alters any of the behaviors, or condones them.

It simply emphasizes that these males are deeply insecure about their worth and personal appeal. They desperately need the repeated reassurances of many women to validate their desirability. Since this is a quest of external validation, which is not matched by their internal esteem, it is unquenchable. No one woman ever suffices. A womanizer is a tragic person. He keeps creating greater and greater messes in his life and is never secure for more than a moment. He exerts immense energy, at great cost, for short-lived rewards." (source: www.relationshipmatters.com)

flattering words. charming. deeply insecure. a tragic person. whatever. they still need to burn in hell as they are desperate people who lives just to hurt women.

TTYL,

* disclaimer: i'm sorry im just in a really pissed off mood today. :)

guy dilemma.

i absolutely hate complications. i can't believe that being 'just' friends with someone can be as complicated as hell. and i'm not even sure if it is worth it.

i beg to disagree that only women are confusing. men too. you don't know if he likes you, just wants to be friends, just being nice, or is just plain flirting. you try to decipher his messages if you'd take it seriously, laugh it off, or pretend you never got it at all. there are times he'd text you from sunrise till way past midnight, but there will be moments wherein he won't text at all. is this a sign that he is bad news?

i have had awful guy dilemmas before and sadly, i haven't mastered the art of emotional detachment yet. i still tend to think a lot and try to make sense what is all this and where will it take me. it was fun yeah, but i have no idea if this is nothing to him as it is everything to me. i guess i should just keep it real and open my options so as not to be smacked in the face when reality hits me.

TTYL,

to those who must not be named v.2

it's time again for letters to undisclosed recipients.

________,

we've been friends since god knows when and most of the time when we're together we just goof around, drink a lot and laugh like crazy. i know this may sound corny to you but thanks for the friendship, for the honest -- sometimes slap-in-the-face (unsolicited) advice you're giving me all the time. i love that we're not all girly girly when we hang out and our conversations are always downright true. you being a bitch* means that you always know the people i should avoid and tell me stuff i should look out for. if i'm serena van der woodsen then you are my blair waldorf (dream on! yeah!). i love you bitch.

~0~

________,

i can't imagine my professional life without you around. i hate that i'm being selfish to you. i know you're trying to move on and you are having a hard time if i kept being close to you. i want you to be happy but i just can't avoid you as you are my friend, my mentor, my confidante. thank you for always being there for me, sometimes without me even asking. thanks for being cool with everything and even have the guts to just laugh it off. i will always stand by you no matter what. i am not here if not because of you.

~0~

________,

funny how much time we spend together just a few months ago and now when i see you i feel like i don't know you anymore. i still think of you from time to time, and i know that you're happy as always. take care always my dear, i miss you.

~0~

________,

no matter how much you try to hide it, it shows how affected you are with all the gossip. i'll stand by to what i said that i'll stay right behind you as long as you want me to. i'm loyal to people who are true to me, which i know you are. do me a simple favor though, i have been through a lot before and it almost wrecked me. please be sincere in everything that you say or do when i'm around. if you are unsure, please leave it alone. as i've said, i am not threatened after everything i learned...as long as you don't do that to me. and also, can you please learn how to smile and chill? you look better when you do.

~0~

________,

i was warned not to be friends with you. but i can't read you, my radar is not working!

TTYL,

too hannah montana.

i totally like hannah montana. surprise. surprise. would you believe i watched the movie three times?? lol (and yeah, my background music right now is the hannah montana OST) hehe.

anyway, hear me out first before you start thinking that i'm acting all twelve-year old...

contrary to what i've been showing elsewhere, i've been having several bad days now and whenever i lock myself in my room, all i want to do is to watch feel-good movies and tv shows. feel-good; meaning anything that can make me smile or laugh and hannah montana definitely brings that to me. and although what i have right now is the worst of both worlds (rather than hannah's best), i can't help but be in a good mood after having a good laugh.

other than cheesy movies, here are the things that uplifts my mood big time:

1. watching RUSSELL PETERS

2. baby kiann making lambing

3. seeing my team's CE score at at least 80%

4. reading OK! magazine

5. getting a makeover

6. hitting the bed after a long day at work

7. compliments

8. social drinking or coffee with close friends on a weekend night

9. SHOPPING!

serious mood killers:

1. phone ringing with the caller: etel frontdesk (callout alert!)

2. CE below 70%

3. text message with a first line that says: "TL, I won't be able to..."

4. waiting!

5. hearing someone say to me: "all eyes are on you." (makes me feel like a convict)

i dunno, call me coward -- but i don't fancy dealing with all the negativities as of now. i need all the mood lifters that i could get or i'll give everyone a hoedown throwdown. lol

TTYL,

this and that.

it's been almost a month since my last post. a lot of stuff has been going on with my day to day which made me too preoccupied to write here. as much as possible i don't want to air out overly personal stuff, bec even though i like to talk about anything publicly, i still want to keep my privacy intact. and who wants to read about frustrations and down moments??

questions to myself that i have yet to answer:
- where do you get motivation if the person who should be motivating you can be a pain in the ass?
- how come i feel worried in a place that is supposed to be the safest place i ought to be?
- how much is too much? when can i say that i have done everything that i could?
- despite everyone around me, why do i sometimes feel that i'm on my own?
- do i always have to prove something to make me worthy of what i am now?
- how do you turn down a friend and not lose the friendship in the process? how do i choose my words?
- when will the tension & stress all go away? is it bec of her? him? or everyone else?

i know i sounded really cheesy, but those are the questions that keeps me occupied right now. i don't even have the time to think about my slowly inflating body, can you believe that? anyway, i don't really wanna delve into it that much. just had to let it out. walang magrereklamo blog ko to! lol

on a lighter note, i have found several interesting stuff on the net today:
1. WeFi is an interesting site on knowing people who are wirelessly connected near you.
2. there's this chatroom called Camfrog, wherein people chat and talk while viewing each other through webcam. i found it interesting at first, then weird bec people are discussing certain topics everytime. according to my friend it's a source of online sex as well. i just removed it off my computer (it was installed by my seller).
3. my netbook MSI Wind U100 has several raving reviews and has been tagged as one of the best netbooks in town. after using it for a couple days, i can't disagree with them. we have three netbooks here at home (a Neo 1193 and an Archos 10) and i'm so happy that i snagged a great deal on this laptop (320GB HDD and 1.5GB RAM for 16k?). i love love love this small lappy. almost perfect!!!

i'm really a cyberspace addict and it's my one effective way of dealing with stress and boredom. and with everything that's happening to me now, i'd be dead without my computer. lol.

TTYL,



post note: i just moved to my new room today and i'm loving my privacy and own space! more on it on my next post! till then. :)

discovering camotes island.

i have now discovered the wonders traveling brings into someone's life. going to camotes (about 100 kilometers away from cebu city) with a few of my colleagues is one of the things i would never trade for anything else ever!

camotes is a small island with white sand that is very very comparable to boracay minus the tons of people and bars. it is somewhat still underdeveloped which makes it a more interesting place because most of the sceneries that you will see are 100% untouched.

to reach camotes, take a cab or a minivan in cebu city and tell the driver to take you to danao port. ferry boat to camotes costs 200php and takes almost two hours. once you're there, you will be greeted by the locales who are hands down one of the nicest people you will ever meet. vans/cars of several resorts are already lined up so make sure to do your homework on where to stay before traveling. i strongly recommend you not to stay in your hotel throughout your stay and ask your hotel frontdesk on the island's ideal spots. to go around the place, the common transpo is known as "habal-habal" which is kind of a motorcycle taxi. you can even ask the driver to pick you up at your desired time for no more than 50 bucks.

food is of course delectable and cheap. we are 6 very hungry tigers and our one full day meal consumption cost us 3,000php! our bfast, lunch and dinner includes crispy pata, really big fish (fish costs 100php and is good for two), pork belly, chopsuey, lots of sisig, 2 cases of beer, more than 10 liters of sprite, about 10 platters of rice, pizza, cheesesticks, etc.

i went home gaining more than 5lbs. i think. =)

overall it was a remarkable place and a nice means to get away with stress from work!

a must-visit for travelers. =)

TTYL,

notes from the past.

and so i found my old xanga blog that i used to keep in college and i can't help but laugh, cringe and snort?? on some of my old entries. overall it made me smile on how simple my problems were 5 years ago. =)

allow me to share some of my entries i wrote back in 2004:

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

I CANNOT BELIEVE I WROTE IN HERE WITHOUT MENTIONING HARRY POTTER 3! i watched it twice already, nung friday june 04, and sunday june 06. parehong c panget kasama ko, the second time we watched it with mom and sibs. i can't actually say its great, but its pretty decent and well plotted. changes in the setting include: hagrid's hut, the common room, the fat lady, even their uniforms have changed. NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM is suddenly skinny, and SEAMUS FINNIGAN actually looked cute! haha. the new headmaster did okay, though mas ok parin ung voice nung dating DUMBLEDORE. & what's up w/ that ponytail in his beard?! it destructs me during the entire film! some flaws i noticed: PROFESSOR LUPIN is supposed to be rugged, and in the movie he's not. the FIREBOLT is given to HARRY at the middle of the term, not at the end when SIRIUS has already escaped. & harry overheard MR. & MRS.WEASLEY that sirius is after him, not mr. weasley telling him. sayang they edited out some of the funny scenes in the book. sobrang hahaba na kasi. but if i was to ask i wouldn't mind watching harry potter for four hours! can't wait for the fourth sequel next year!

i'm such a huge harry potter fan that not even twilight could replace. true i'm totally gaga over robert pattinson but storyline-wise, hands down harry potter still. i'm a bookworm and until now i have never read a book series that kept me hooked like harry potter. i'm open for suggestions. =)

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

ragnarok here i come! my boyfriend just taught me how to play this admittedly adictive game. his reasons are obviously evil: so i wouldn't bug him every now and then to stop playing and do something worthwhile -- like shopping! after months of resisting and telling to myself that i would never play online games, i finally gave in and gave this game a chance. ok yeah, maganda nga and really addicting. although i can't help but smile on my boyfriend's efforts to teach me so i would really enjoy it! he just spent 3 hours trying to assist me and helping me get a job (which he casually picked for me by the way) and constantly telling me that i won't regret it. boys tend to be soooooo annoying, but i love him still. oh well, looking forward to countless quality time with him in a computer cafe. SWEET.

this is where my addiction to online gaming began. never stopped playing ragnarok until the end of my 2nd year. then started playing again in mid-2006 i think with the new game RAN. stopped again after being regularized at etel and focused on work work work. then played CABAL just mid last year until late last year. most recently was ROHAN, although i stopped because my friend who introduced me to that game suddenly went busy and rarely went online. and it was installed in my desktop pc which suddenly doesn't power on. now i rarely play online games as i'm addicted to watching series such as one tree hill, america's best dance crew and the hills. on rare ocassions i play facebook's mafia wars and farmtown, although most of the time i'm out at night with friends. =)

postnote: a friend texted me offering me libresse sanitary napkins 5pcs for 20php. seriously???

TTYL,

i'm giving up

okay. i gave up and have finally resorted to XML version of blogspot. for months i've been trying to have my layout set on classic template which uses HTML but i'ts just too difficult for me to add the things that i want to add, like followers and comments page. i loooooove my older layouts but there are lots of limitations and it takes me hours to edit the layout. i'm not really good at HTML so i finally resorted to XML since this is very easy to manage. i just hope i find nice layouts that uses XML.

anyway, i'm supposed to be out tonight but my guy friend suddenly bailed on me so here i am: pinag-initan ko nalang ulit yung blog ko. hehe.

things to look forward to:

- company outing @ club manila east

- our first ever team GA (block sked yey!)

- cebu trip / boyz ii men concert! (i'm still torn between the two)

- harry potter 6 the movie

- alvin & the chipmunks sequel!

TTYL,

blog revamped again.

and so i decided to revamp my blog again. this is the first time in four weeks that i am actually home on a saturday night.

anyway, my eyes are tired and i'm off to bed. let me know what you think!

TTYL,

second-best.

i never forgot what my guy friend told me about his ex: that she still teases him about me and that she does that as if SHE IS WAY BETTER THAN ME. i was shocked. i've always wanted to be friends with her and i know that she has a mean bone sometimes, but treating herself as if she was better than anyone? that was beyond i expected. first of all, i will never date my friend. secondly, she's an ex already why does she keep on insulting the girls he's with! i want my guy friend to be truly happy and i told him that i'm here to support him now that his mind suddenly went on hiatus with all the decision-making.

the girl's remark got me thinking on what it takes to be the best for someone. what's the basis of anyone commenting that they are better than someone? looks? financial status? car model? level of kindness? generosity? job description? ...i admit i do that sometimes as well, telling to myself that i am better than my ex's new girl, or that i am better than our class valedictorian, etc. etc. and i'd be a hyprocrite if i say that i don't base it on looks and grades. however, i've only done it on those scenarios. for everything else, i can never say that i am better than anyone. not because i am a nice person, but because i can't really think of anything i am good at.

my then-boyfriend asked me once: "what's your talent?" and i paused thinking. i love to read, i am anal in proof-reading articles, i blog, used to join academic debates, i like dancing, billiards and poetry. the list can go on and on but neither of them can pass as a talent. a talent is an activity that you are exceptionally good at, and i am not a poetry genious nor a professional blogger. back in my school days i am very active in extra curricular activities, but most of them are academic contests. don't get me wrong, i am an above average student but definitely not a science or math whiz. i don't play any musical instrument and not engaged in any sport. i am good at several things, but my skills are NOT exceptional.

having said that, should i come to the conclusion that i may only be second-best to everything?

is that the reason why i still haven't met my prince? is it because i look for the best when i myself isn't even good enough for others?

---nag-iinarte mode, pardon my blog entry tonight. lol

new found-friend

today i made a good friend. he lost his pet bubba, plays soccer, works @ subway, and uber nice. i am online most of the time when i'm at home, and i never ever talk to strangers. i don't know what's gotten into me today that i decided to respond to a pm from a stranger. he turned out to be more than okay, and finding myself laughing and smiling for like 4 hours.

i used to laugh at people when they chat with people they don't know, but now i ended up doing it myself. well, maybe i'm just lucky that the guy isn't a psycho and he really wants to be just friends unlike most guys out there. i understand that the web is such a very dangerous place to be with, but my instincts never failed me yet and i'm not in cyberspace to fill in the missing pieces of my real world.

hey mike, thanks for the time buddy. i really really hope that you're not a psycho. kidding. :)

talk to you soon.

things i learned today.

i spent my entire day today online. i do leave from time to time to eat, play with kiann and laugh with my sibs, but when i am home i usually spend my time in front of my pc.

i've got a number of interesting findings today after spending more than 18 hours of going online:

1. obamamania

- you are not going to believe a lot of barack obama's merchandise being sold on the net today! there's obama toilet paper, obama bottled water, obama barrettes, and... catch this: obama dildo. the "Head of State" dildo is available in two colors: democratic blue and presidential gold. how's that for a "Change?" =)

2. cosmic latte

- beige is the color of the universe, according to a team of astronomers from john hopkins university. the heximal RGB value for cosmic latte is #FFF8E7.

3. angel lust

- you can still have an erection once dead. a death erection is a post-mortem erection which occurs when a male individual dies vertically or face-down with the cadaver remaining in this position. during life, the pumping of blood by the heart ensures a relatively even distribution around the blood vessels of the human body. Once this mechanism has ended, only the force of gravity acts upon the blood. as with any mass, the blood settles at the lowest point of the body and causes edema or swelling to occur; the discoloration caused by this is called lividity.

4. pricey charice

- and so i was browsing ticketnet website bec i've been contemplating since last week on how will i manage to be in cebu and watch boyz ii men at the same time. i was kinda surprised to find out that tickets for charice pempengco's concert is actually more expensive than that of boyz ii men! that girl's voice is indeed powerful and i actually liked her, but sure not more than boyz ii men. maybe it has something to do with the group's sponsor or something??

5. sex in the middle ages

- anything other than the common “missionary position,” was considered unnatural and a sin, according to the Church. the woman on top position, or entering her from the rear (sex a tergo) were not favored because they interfered with the natural order of male-female roles. anal and oral sex were sins because they could only be practiced for pleasure, not procreation, which for the purists was the only purpose of sex.

- lesbianism is a sin according to the book of gommorah. sodomy was punishable by death, which could involve mutilation, burning at the stake, hanging, and, in the case of priests caught in the act, being hung in a suspended cage until they starved to death.

- the Church actually approved of prostitution. ironically, the practice was regarded as a way of preventing adultery and homosexuality on a larger scale, so it was viewed a necessary evil.

6. brittany flickinger is paris' bff no more

- i thought that when paris hilton launched a new season of the reality show, she's still good friends with brit and that calling brit a 'hungry tiger' is just part of the intro. but after reading brit's blogs, paris apparently dumped her and the next day a casting for "paris hilton's my new bff" season 2 began. i liked brit so much bec she's funny and pretty and sings really well. but i am surprised to know that she actually thought that she'd be bestfriends for long with paris. that blondie has no brains and is so fake for heavens sake. brit: you deserve so much better than that. just be thankful to paris for letting you win the show, but other than that? you have so much more to offer than be paris' personal assistant. hmp!

7. hot guys and nice guys are two different people

- they can never be one and the same. 'nuff said.

lost.

okay, i've been busy doing too much stuff lately, mostly for work, but at the end of the day why do i feel like i haven't done anything at all?

i never understood people who leave because they want to "find themselves." anyone who really knows me is aware that it's CHANGES that i hate most in the world. i hate people leaving, changing environment, awkward moments with people you just met. but now, i suprisingly do. you know the feeling of having empty laughs with people surrounding you? and that everytime you accomplish something it seems that it's not enough? like you're not sure if it's someone that you're looking for or just plain something else. i've been a lot like that lately and i'm not sure if it's driven by the heavy workload i have at the office or the fact that i refuse to go out with friends and socialize. and it doesn't help either that the people i'm always with are saying the same thing...that they're not happy anymore and desperately wants change. okay, i'm not that desperate, but i definitely want change. i want to meet new people, do different things, go in a different environment. i want to go out of my comfort zone and try my luck elsewhere.

i know that i want to get out of this daily routine but i have no idea where to go from here. i don't know what i want, who i wanna be with, where to go...but i just know i have to figure it out now.

to those who must not be named.

FILL IN THE BLANKS.

_______,

i  know you don't mean it, but you keep on disappointing me. and i know it's 100% my fault because yes, i do expect things that never happen. i miss those times when we don't end the day without communicating somehow, but now it seems that both of us are too busy to even say hi or hello. even though, i hope you know that there's not a day when i haven't thought of you and i always wish you well. you are one of the very few people whose friendship i cherish a lot.

~0~

_______,

i'm glad that you've finally got into your senses and stopped sweet talking me. we are friends and to be honest i don't appreciate you telling me stuff that aren't really true. i am sad that we don't talk as often as we used to, but i am happy for everything that is going on with you now and i don't want to mess up with it. remember: don't be afraid to try again, especially if its worth it. you've got tons of friends to back you up if things don't go the way you wanted.

~0~

_______,

thank you for being that one friend in the world that i sure won't trade for anything else ever. you're like my family, one thing that remains constant to me. i'm truly sorry for everything i've done in the past, God knows how lucky i am to have you. thank you for loving my family and for treating them your own. just do me a favor? my closet is a mess already stop making it worse by ransacking it!

~0~

_______, _______, & _______,

alak pa!!!Ü

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my life is getting dull. i'm so desperate to meet new people.

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Sign up and help me win a laptop!

the FISH philosophy.

my boss recently gave me a very interesting book as an early birthday gift: "Fish!: A Remarkable Way to Boost Morale and Improve Results," by Stephen C. Lundin. the book is actually a parable about how a manager transformed a team that sucks into a very effective one by applying the four principles of work ethic:

1. choose your attitude

2. play!

3. make their day

4. be present

choose your attitude. the first on the list in the fish philosophy. why? because without it, they say that the other three are a waste. i remember the days when i go to work and i'm such in a henious mood that i don't crack a joke at anyone. do my members feel my non-presence? do they want a leader like that? would it really make a difference if i go to work with so much energy in me and pass it on to them? if yes, how do i do that? i'm the most introvert person in the world and coming up to people has become very difficult for me. luckily, the book also provided a bit of motivational management techniques that may help me become a better leader. my company put me here, so i know i am worthy. now all i need to do is to sustain it, by choosing who i am in front of my colleagues. my everyday routine totally sucks, but what do i do? wallow in pity and be ugly? or step up and brighten the day of others? ---and that wasn't even an option.

rude awakening.

i am awake. wide awake. Ü

i don't accept the person i'm becoming and i have now decided to take a U-turn.

to be honest, i've lost count on how many times i told somebody this line: "hey, i don't do this everyday trust me." it's as if i've been doing a lot of new (and daring) stuff lately that i feel i am going to regret if i make it a habit. this has happened before, and it totally destroyed me. i won't let history repeat itself and i am saving myself from eternal damnation. (okay, that was way overboard, but that's how i feel!)

no single person in this world who sees the entire picture of what was going on with me right now, but several people know bits and pieces of it and everyone is saying the same thing: diss it and start with a clean slate. i admit i am not ready to diss the "people involved" but i am so ready to diss who i am this past few months. and if they get in the way, then maybe it's really time to say bye-bye for them.

what the hell, i am young and should even be partying not moping around for some stupid problems i shouldn't have!

dilemma.

if you happen to come across my blog and reading this entry and you hate EMO-stuff, then you can close this page now.

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okay, don't say you haven't been warned.

my dilemma is back. the bliss i've been feeling this last few days have been sucked out of me. big time. i know it's totally wrong and inappropriate, but i keep doing it. why? because it makes me happy. even if i get slapped by the reality every now and then, i dismiss it. because i'm a brat. i insist on doing what i want and stopping at nothing to have it all mine. i tried to avoid it, but the happiness is addicting. should i go to the extremes and play along until it hurts so bad?

how could you avoid something that can put you to nirvana but hell as shit at the same time? for the longest time i've been trying not to feel the pain, but that stupid emotion manages to slide itself into my system one way or another. i'm ashamed to admit that i've never wanted anything so badly until now.

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i wish i could say more.

i guess this is proof that what kat wants...

kat doesn't always gets.

status check: katz wants to travel.

i am officially in travel mode. i booked a flight to cebu in july with a few friends, plus a beach getaway on my birthday. i've never been a traveler and now i'm dropping a few out of town trips here and there. bakit kaya? diko rin alam eh. :)

sadly my vacation leave at work won't cover my desire to travel on a monthly basis. i'm definitely looking forward to going away for my birthday, i actually intended to just stay home but someone (?!? a dear friend of mine--i know you're reading this. hehe) offered to get away from the city for a while and who am i to refuse? :) and cebu pacific's round-trip flight to cebu in july costs P490! as soon as we found out, my friends at work immediately booked ourselves online! we don't even have an idea what are we going to do once we're there! bahala na si batman. hehe.

to be honest there's so much that i want to do this year. i want to travel, go to the gym, study again, keep my self busy until i pass out. so much to do, very limited time. domestic problems can be such a drag that's why i need to distract myself to keep my sanity intact.

i'd do anything to take me out of this country for even at least a week.

back to online gaming.

okay. its been more than 6 months when i gave up playing cabal. i felt sick of the game due to personal issues and i got rid of the game. i actually still have a premium account plus cash at that time but i didn't care. so, what prompted me to start playing again?

few days ago, my brother-in-law installed a new mmorpg game called 'destiny online' (www.destiny.enjoymmo.com) in my desktop pc and i tried signing in just to see how it looks like. it's pretty neat, but more for kids than adults. i tried searching around and came across 'fiesta online' (www.fiesta.outspark.com) which is actually very nice, but only the game client is international so you have all sorts of players from all over the world. i prefer online games with philippine client servers so as not to see weird languages in the chatbox and the characters can't understand each other due to language barriers.

on our way home, my good friend migs then casually recommended me to try this new game from level up games: ROHAN ONLINE. now this guy is not a fan of online games at all, not until now. hehe. he's ranting in his car how nice and interesting the game is and he's surprisingly addicted to it. coming from him, it intruiged me so i'm currently downloading the client now and hopefully have the chance to give it a try by tomorrow.

should i go back to my old online gaming habits? am i ready to give up my week-end night outs? depends if this game is worth it. :)

(okay, the game is taking forever to download! migs will just give me an installer dvd tomorrow, yey!) -- will keep you posted.

x.o.x.o.