Good Enough to Stay or Bad Enough to Leave?

One of the most nerve-wracking stages in a relationship is knowing when to stay or when to cut ties and end things. For most of us, it is very confusing since every relationship goes through its ups and downs. I can't speak for everyone, but there are just some things that are sort of a deal-breaker for me. It's like, "you do this and we're done." I am not saying that I am a perfect partner, I am not. In fact, I am way imperfect that I sometimes feel I'm not even "datable." But the thing is, I am a very logic-oriented person, and I tend to mentally tally the pros and cons of my relationships, whether romantically or in friendships.

Most relationship experts agree that this not a very good approach in making a sound decision because there will always be pros and cons and determining which is "more heavier" is nearly impossible. A much better way is to look at the relationship through more realistic measures and decide from there. The problem with this approach though is how will you know which ones to measure? Might work for some, but not for me.

As this blog has constantly proven everybody, I have been in a series of failed relationships and I know I am not the perfect person to even discuss things like this. But even so, I do know that at some point in a relationship, sometimes the initial chemical infatuation you once felt will fade and resurface often. You're not going to have butterflies in your stomach every time your partner kisses you and sweet text messages will not be as kilig at all times.

The lines begin to blur when the relationship isn't awful, but not the way we want either. As Basha once said "What if we're not growing together anymore? What if nagttiyaga tayo sa ganito, sa safe, sa ok lang?" I am sure majority of us can relate right? So I ask you, what makes you hold on? What will make you leave?

I have listed down mine, but I think this is pretty universal. These are only some of the things I can think of now, so I can say that this is still incomplete (will try to update if I do remember more, lol). Bear in mind though that even if I think that this may apply to all, this is just my personal list and as I have said-- I can't speak for everyone. Read on:

I am staying if...

• I am happy majority of the time and always look forward to being with him. (Ummm, obviously)

I will give it a chance if...

• Something happened that made our relationship rocky, and compromise has been set. (Open communication is the key)
• Simple jealousy from either side and both are willing to talk it over.
• I or he is unhappy for several weeks due to boredom or dullness of the relationship. (Try to come up w/ something to make the relationship exciting)

I will seriously consider leaving if...

• Being with him just doesn't excite me anymore for more than a month already.
• I feel unloved or taken for granted and have addressed the issue but with no effort from him to make me feel better.
• Petty fights pretty much describes the 70% of the time I'm with him.

I will leave IMMEDIATELY if..:

• He physically or verbally abuses me. (No way in hell!)
• He cheats on me. (I will never tolerate infidelity)
• He threatens to commit suicide if I leave him.
• He's into drugs and is not doing anything to resolve it.
• He disrespects any of my family members and friends.
• My family/friends disapprove of him greatly and can list legitimate reasons why.
• Either of us cannot look past the mistakes for a reasonable amount of time. (Sumbatan all the time is a no-no.)
• He attempts to control my personal or religious beliefs.

How about you, what made you end your previous relationships? Have you ever been in an "okay lang" relationship? What is your limit on staying with someone and what is considered a non-negotiable boundary for you? Ang dami kong tanong, haha! Anyway, you get the idea. I am curious.

Thoughts?

To the Man of My Future

Here's my own version of "Letter to the Man I Will Love Someday."

Dear You,

When I think of you, I always get this mixed emotions. First, I feel really stupid for imagining someone that only exists inside my head. Then, it excites me because I know that someday my long-time search will eventually be finished and we can finally start living "the dream." But in the end, just like the rest of the girls who writes letters to "the man they will love someday," I also can't help but wonder if you really exist.

You see, I am not the easiest girl to date. I am way too far from being your ideal girl either. So unlike other girls who are confident enough that they will find someone, I fear that someone like you who will be attracted to someone like me don't exist. But then again, if a poor man can suddenly be a millionaire overnight by winning the lottery--it doesn't hurt to believe that someday I will hit the jackpot and be someone's princess too.

There are things you will not know about me in the beginning. Just like you, I will show you my best sides first and will be in my best behavior. But as early as now, I want to be honest and tell you that I did some things in the past that I am not proud of. There are secrets in my life and you may not like some of them. What I am hoping is that you, the man of my future, will still see me as a treasure despite all the junk that comes with the package.

Future man, I have met a lot of toads in the past so forgive me if I may be skeptical about you at first. There are things you will have to accept about me and the life I live and I would rather find out in the beginning if you are capable of trying. I ask that you will tell me early on before my heart gets too involved. Because to tell you frankly, I am not sure if I can afford another heartbreak. I know it seems a lot to ask but don't worry, I will give the same to you.

I ask too--that you do not expect me to change the traits that make me who I am. I am not perfect, nobody is. There will be times that I will be stubborn, lazy, or impatient. When that happens, I ask for your patience. One thing I can assure you though is that I will not ask you of anything more than you can give.

I am proud to tell you that I make a great friend, and I look forward to our long talks, may it be funny or meaningful ones. It may sound silly but I used to dream of us sitting outside Starbucks having coffee, while checking out awesome cars, pretty girls or cute guys that pass by. I imagine us hanging out in the living room eating popcorn, with you trying to steal the remote from me and changing the channel to ESPN. Or me trying to cook up a simple dinner for us on Valentines Day while you pretend to like it and tell me that it's delicious.

You will be the man of my future. That is the only thing I am sure of. I may know you already or have yet to meet you someday, either way I am just as thrilled. But even though I am excited to start my forever with you, you must know that I am not in a hurry to meet you. I don't want to rush things because I don't want us to be just like any other couples who easily give up when trials come their way. I want to know you at the time when we're both ready for each other. No matter how long it takes.

Please promise though, that you will never give up looking for me. Because even though I sometimes doubt your existence, I will never stop searching for you.

With hopes that I will be yours for always,
Kat

Taking Personal Drama to the Internet

What is Internet Drama?

Internet drama, in my personal definition, refers to the irrational broadcasting of personal issues on the Interweb. Since the Internet has completely changed our modern life, our dependency with the web has impacted our ways to deal with personal issues. It doesn't matter if it's work, family or relationship problems -- as soon private grievances start to go public via Facebook or Twitter, things can automatically turn ugly in a snap.

Case in point: During a recent breakup, a distraught ex can do or say things on their Facebook walls that they'd never do face-to-face. They use harsh words, throw accusations out of misery, try to illicit jealousy, or seek revenge in a multitude of other ways. Mutual friends are abruptly excommunicated, and pictures are suddenly untagged from each other's albums. You might immediately change your relationship status to single and wait till your wall is bombarded with questions about the breakup -- aggravating the virtual salt that continue to rub into very real wounds.



While some people just can't help it, I think it's safe to say that most of us wants to avoid Internet drama and not stoop to online lows. If you are one of us, here are a few tips that may help whenever you're in the brink of announcing to the world that your ex is a pathetic psychopath:

1. Use the reverse psychology. If your ex just can't help it but publicize every little thing you guys went through, remember that there's no better comeback than a silent treatment. Let him talk, while you maintain your silence and continue to tweet positive things. Soon, your mutual friends will realize who is the biggest loser.

2. Take advantage of Facebook's security settings. It is there for a reason. Sick of someone who constantly complain about her misery? Hide their feeds so you won't see them anymore. Fighting with someone? Hide your wall or just completely block him/her. Do whatever it takes until you get that peace of mind you surely deserve.

3. Stop online stalking. This normally happens after a breakup, you track your ex's whereabouts, newly added friends, constant Twitter buddy, etc. You have to understand that stalking is a compulsive, unsatisfying behavior and will only leave you feeling emptier especially if your ex has clearly moved on before you. Instead of stalking, why not use your energy to reconnect with friends or find new hobbies and interests?

4. Resist publicizing EVERYTHING! Your closest friends already know who you're dating, your family is already aware of your financial issues, and your colleagues are very much aware how much your work sucks -- therefore, there's no need to trumpet them every chance you get. Just because you can share everything on Facebook and Twitter doesn't mean you should.

5. Have common sense. Facebook is a social networking tool, not an online diary. Therefore, being an open book to everyone and announcing to the world how much your ex-boyfriend hurt you is not gonna benefit anyone. Simple, vague comments are okay, but don't let the technology shadow your emotional intelligence. Online battles are for 3rd graders, and if your ex won't stop posting negative comments about you, simply unfriend him and pray that his sanity be restored soon.

Sharing too much information on the Internet can be messy and humiliating. No matter how bad the situation is, or no matter how much you want the other person to be humiliated, always remember that this public drama reflects poorly on you. Avoiding many of the soap operas that flare up on Facebook or Twitter does not only give you peace of mind, but will also project a sense of self-confidence and maturity that most Internet users lack.

What A Girl Wants

Well, I have no idea! Girls have several turn-ons on men and they vary depending on someone's personality. But what I do know is what we definitely DON'T WANT, and these are guys who are:

- A KNOW IT ALL. A guy who acts all geeky but failing miserably is the last thing we would want to date. I used to go out with someone who would constantly rebut my ideas just to prove to me that he has brains. Well, guess what honey, it's not cute.

- A LOSER. If you are a guy who still asks for allowance from your mom, does not have a stable job without any clear career path, smokes pot every weekend, sleeps all day and treats drinking as a hobby, then you're probably a loser.

- A SUCK-UP. A guy who's daily schedule is based on his girlfriend, obsessed with being with her ALL the time and puts his life on hold for her. At first it is kilig, but trust me, in the long run we definitely do not want to be with someone who revolves his entire life on us. The line "Ikaw ang buhay ko," seem a little pathetic don't you think?

- A FLAKE. Don't be unreliable. Your flakiness makes all your promises seem non-sense as time goes by. Sooner or later we'll realize that it is a waste of time to be with you because you rarely mean what you say.

- A CHEAP-ASS. There is a difference between a guy that is broke and a guy who is plain cheap. I am definitely not a gold-digger but I'm sure girls will agree with me when I say that we do appreciate men who step-up and pamper us every once in a while. TLC got it right when they sang "No Scrubs" back in '99.

- A TOTAL-JERK. Well, this is pretty self-explanatory. Who would want to be with a person who is bastos or walang modo? I always appreciate men who let women take their seats in MRT or assist an old woman carry their grocery bags in a supermarket. It shows that they have manners.

This list can go on and on.. I know that it's rare to find the perfect guy nowadays but bottom line is, women look for guys who have the same morals as them.

At least I know I do.