toilet flush.

here i am, still awake thinking of you.

i know exactly where you are right now and i know that i am the last person that will ever cross your mind. i get it, and the only the chance of me being with you is when hell freezes over. what i just don't get is how much you have an impact on me. yes, i like you. I DAMN, FREAKIN LIKE YOU. if only i can send that message down to your clueless brain. of course you will never know that.

why am i always drawn to insensitive jocks? why do i reject honest, decent guys who approach me? my friends just shake their heads on me whenever i go for bad ass guys who are so obsessed with themselves that they could just marry their egos. and yet i complain that nobody cares for me. my friend corrected me by saying: "no dude, no insensitive asshole cares for you -- and trust me, nobody of their 'kind' will." another one added: "and until you change your preference on men, you will forever be a bridesmaid but never the bride."

talk about friends who smack you on your face.

don't start asking me. cos trust me i have no idea too. i have maybe's, but i can't pinpoint why. maybe jocks appear more masculine for me (i'm dreaming of the idea of having a knight in shining armor who will protect me from harm. lol). maybe decent guys are just too ummm... decent for me? or maybe i want to get serious while i'm on the playing field. and that, i know, is mission impossible.

and even if i'm liberated, i don't compromise my values for anyone. no matter how much i like the guy, i may slip on letting him feel it but there's no way i'll tell it directly. i have ground rules: no sleeping until we're formally together, no 'meet the parents' until we are at least a month old, no PDA's, and.. either we are exclusive or your flesh is for the rest of sluts to share. call me selfish, but open relationships will never be an option for me. especially when i'm in love. i'd cry buckets in my room of you not being with me rather than look like an idiot in front of everyone else while you make fun of me.

this guy and my values totally clash. as in 360 degrees -- impossible. i guess i will just have to wait either for him to like me too and accept my ground rules or for me to shift my attention to a more deserving son of a bitch. however, if there's one thing i'm really good at: that's being stubborn.

oh, and i'm good at throwing tantrums too.

TTYL,

i kissed an alien and i hate it!

it's official. i declare my absolute HATE on you.

you never fail to make me squirm every single day. you make me jump for joy when you don't talk to me. how could you be so insensitive? what you're doing to me and to everyone else is very inhumane. sometimes i doubt if you're really human, maybe you're a really intelligent alien who vowed to make everyone's lives as hell as possible. i can't even believe that someone fell in-love with you, or maybe you're both an alien? well, i sure hope you leave our planet real soon because we don't want you here.

i've never really hated anyone this much in my entire life, until now. i normally see the best in people, sometimes over trusting them and me being hurt in the process. but you are different. you don't listen, you are selfish, you don't trust people & you love it when the people around you are not happy. which really made me doubt if you are human because it is very evident that you don't have a heart.

you make me sick.

TTYL,

i'm a genious.

i need someone to give me a really good 'i-told-you-so' slap in the face.

there's only one person in the world who knows what i'm going through right now and i can't believe that history is repeating itself.

wow, and i'm crying. nice.

i guess now i understand why god wanted me to be alone for quite some time, bec he knew something like this would happen. he knew that i'm not that strong for this and that i don't learn my lesson. if the rest of the world knew what i'm going through, i would get a million laughs, maybe a few raised eyebrows, and a couple of "ang tanga tanga mo!" and "are you serious?!" comments.

god katz you're 23 years old and you're acting like a freakin twelve-year-old. this is insane. i can't move, i was even shaking hours ago. and the fact that i need to let it out without actually talking to someone means that i'm going to explode.

this is the last time that i will write about my stupidity, until this is in public.

TTYL,

just another pathetic-ness moment.

i am probably the only blogger in the world who is not comfortable or is not that happy when people i know read my posts. this blog used to be in private for several months until i decided to set it for public viewing late last year to get random thoughts from others. since then, friends from everywhere just come up to me and tell me that they read my blog, most of the time teasing me and quoting quotes from one of my entries. writing has always been my means to express my thoughts and emotions, and being cautious of what i say in my blog just because people read it just defeits its purpose.

to be honest i always want to talk about fun stuff when blogging. it's just that, those sad, pathetic moments always creep into my mind and i always end up talking about it! my close friends know that i am not very good at expressing my feelings and i normally express them through letters, that's why putting me on the spot and grilling me with the contents of my blog is just plain irritating for me.

i am seriously considering of setting my blog back in private mode so i can freely express whatever i wanna say again. like, my disappointment.. my hope.. my plan.. my excitement!, my irritation, and my dream. and as long as people keep bugging me about how i feel right now, i will never even try write anything close to it!

but on second thought :)

...yes, i miss you like hell.

...no, i'm not that into you.

...give me more reasons and i'm out of here.

...get over it, everyone is laughing already.

...you are what you do.

...i f**king hate your stinking guts.

...countless gimiks here i come again!

...i'm still waiting for you.

TTYL,

womanizers go to hell.

Noun 1. womanizer - a man who likes many women and has short sexual relationships with them.

there's just too much of your kind in the world. karma will come find all of you and cut your balls so you can't use them.

it makes me sad to think that some men think they're so cool to fool multiple girls at the same time. and what's worse? they tend to get both the goody good girls and the hot ones. let's see... who are they? what do they do? and how do you deal with them?

"A womanizer is a man who repeatedly gets emotionally and sexually involved with other women while being in a primary relationship. He indulges in flirtatious behaviors, attracting women with his charm and wooing conduct. Womanizing males are often very charming, appealing, and may even seem vulnerable, which many women find most endearing. Along with the playful seduction come flattering words, gifts, entertainment and fun activities bestowed upon his momentary love interest.

Lying is a necessary companion of all illegal and immoral conduct. The womanizer spins a web of intricate lies, cover-up stories and false alibis to sustain his double life.

Sex is not necessarily what he seeks, but it is the ultimate form of female acceptance. Some people term womanizers as sex-addicts, I prefer to view them as validation-addicts. Not that this distinction alters any of the behaviors, or condones them.

It simply emphasizes that these males are deeply insecure about their worth and personal appeal. They desperately need the repeated reassurances of many women to validate their desirability. Since this is a quest of external validation, which is not matched by their internal esteem, it is unquenchable. No one woman ever suffices. A womanizer is a tragic person. He keeps creating greater and greater messes in his life and is never secure for more than a moment. He exerts immense energy, at great cost, for short-lived rewards." (source: www.relationshipmatters.com)

flattering words. charming. deeply insecure. a tragic person. whatever. they still need to burn in hell as they are desperate people who lives just to hurt women.

TTYL,

* disclaimer: i'm sorry im just in a really pissed off mood today. :)

guy dilemma.

i absolutely hate complications. i can't believe that being 'just' friends with someone can be as complicated as hell. and i'm not even sure if it is worth it.

i beg to disagree that only women are confusing. men too. you don't know if he likes you, just wants to be friends, just being nice, or is just plain flirting. you try to decipher his messages if you'd take it seriously, laugh it off, or pretend you never got it at all. there are times he'd text you from sunrise till way past midnight, but there will be moments wherein he won't text at all. is this a sign that he is bad news?

i have had awful guy dilemmas before and sadly, i haven't mastered the art of emotional detachment yet. i still tend to think a lot and try to make sense what is all this and where will it take me. it was fun yeah, but i have no idea if this is nothing to him as it is everything to me. i guess i should just keep it real and open my options so as not to be smacked in the face when reality hits me.

TTYL,

to those who must not be named v.2

it's time again for letters to undisclosed recipients.

________,

we've been friends since god knows when and most of the time when we're together we just goof around, drink a lot and laugh like crazy. i know this may sound corny to you but thanks for the friendship, for the honest -- sometimes slap-in-the-face (unsolicited) advice you're giving me all the time. i love that we're not all girly girly when we hang out and our conversations are always downright true. you being a bitch* means that you always know the people i should avoid and tell me stuff i should look out for. if i'm serena van der woodsen then you are my blair waldorf (dream on! yeah!). i love you bitch.

~0~

________,

i can't imagine my professional life without you around. i hate that i'm being selfish to you. i know you're trying to move on and you are having a hard time if i kept being close to you. i want you to be happy but i just can't avoid you as you are my friend, my mentor, my confidante. thank you for always being there for me, sometimes without me even asking. thanks for being cool with everything and even have the guts to just laugh it off. i will always stand by you no matter what. i am not here if not because of you.

~0~

________,

funny how much time we spend together just a few months ago and now when i see you i feel like i don't know you anymore. i still think of you from time to time, and i know that you're happy as always. take care always my dear, i miss you.

~0~

________,

no matter how much you try to hide it, it shows how affected you are with all the gossip. i'll stand by to what i said that i'll stay right behind you as long as you want me to. i'm loyal to people who are true to me, which i know you are. do me a simple favor though, i have been through a lot before and it almost wrecked me. please be sincere in everything that you say or do when i'm around. if you are unsure, please leave it alone. as i've said, i am not threatened after everything i learned...as long as you don't do that to me. and also, can you please learn how to smile and chill? you look better when you do.

~0~

________,

i was warned not to be friends with you. but i can't read you, my radar is not working!

TTYL,

too hannah montana.

i totally like hannah montana. surprise. surprise. would you believe i watched the movie three times?? lol (and yeah, my background music right now is the hannah montana OST) hehe.

anyway, hear me out first before you start thinking that i'm acting all twelve-year old...

contrary to what i've been showing elsewhere, i've been having several bad days now and whenever i lock myself in my room, all i want to do is to watch feel-good movies and tv shows. feel-good; meaning anything that can make me smile or laugh and hannah montana definitely brings that to me. and although what i have right now is the worst of both worlds (rather than hannah's best), i can't help but be in a good mood after having a good laugh.

other than cheesy movies, here are the things that uplifts my mood big time:

1. watching RUSSELL PETERS

2. baby kiann making lambing

3. seeing my team's CE score at at least 80%

4. reading OK! magazine

5. getting a makeover

6. hitting the bed after a long day at work

7. compliments

8. social drinking or coffee with close friends on a weekend night

9. SHOPPING!

serious mood killers:

1. phone ringing with the caller: etel frontdesk (callout alert!)

2. CE below 70%

3. text message with a first line that says: "TL, I won't be able to..."

4. waiting!

5. hearing someone say to me: "all eyes are on you." (makes me feel like a convict)

i dunno, call me coward -- but i don't fancy dealing with all the negativities as of now. i need all the mood lifters that i could get or i'll give everyone a hoedown throwdown. lol

TTYL,