Of all the negative emotions, people seem most reluctant to admit to loneliness. It is often viewed by oneself as a character weakness and with a sense of shame. But then again, each one of us go through it at one point or another as it is a part of living in an imperfect world.
Now I honestly don't know if I am only imagining it, but I have always felt a little out of place with everyone. It doesn't matter who I'm with: friends, colleagues, or even with family. It's as if I don't fit in no matter where I am. I feel like Jenny Humphrey living in the Upper East Side. An outsider. Maybe because I am anti-social and a snob at times. Maybe because I am not the type who would take the initiative to introduce myself and make friends with new people. Because of this, I have grown to believe that people seemed uninterested to get to know me -- and that I am not worth being friends with.
It's not that I don't have any friends. I do. I also have the most supporting family anyone could ever ask for. But still, I am brave enough to admit that I grew up lonely. I did. And a lot of times, I still feel that way. Sometimes I feel that people around me are just forced to be nice to me -- and that my folks put up with my oddness because well, I'm their daughter.
Some may think that I am overreacting. Maybe I am. Maybe this is just something I made up in my head. Maybe I have always lowered my expectations on being socially accepted so as not to be disappointed. Or maybe I am simply not satisfied with who I've become. I wouldn't know. Or maybe, I refuse to know.
Whatever it is though, I feel lonely. I have a feeling that I probably always will. And while this realization saddens me, a part of me know that I am used to it. Maybe that's why I blog all the time, lock myself in my room on my free days and resort to all these social networking sites to see the world.
There's no point to this, really. It's just one of those days wherein I feel a little lonely and sad and decided to use my blog to let it out. I know I am a little crazy for sharing something this personal to everyone, but hey. Maybe you feel the same way. And if you do, well -- don't feel so bad. I feel it too.
