Of all the negative emotions, people seem most reluctant to admit to loneliness. It is often viewed by oneself as a character weakness and with a sense of shame. But then again, each one of us go through it at one point or another as it is a part of living in an imperfect world.
Now I honestly don't know if I am only imagining it, but I have always felt a little out of place with everyone. It doesn't matter who I'm with: friends, colleagues, or even with family. It's as if I don't fit in no matter where I am. I feel like Jenny Humphrey living in the Upper East Side. An outsider. Maybe because I am anti-social and a snob at times. Maybe because I am not the type who would take the initiative to introduce myself and make friends with new people. Because of this, I have grown to believe that people seemed uninterested to get to know me -- and that I am not worth being friends with.
It's not that I don't have any friends. I do. I also have the most supporting family anyone could ever ask for. But still, I am brave enough to admit that I grew up lonely. I did. And a lot of times, I still feel that way. Sometimes I feel that people around me are just forced to be nice to me -- and that my folks put up with my oddness because well, I'm their daughter.
Some may think that I am overreacting. Maybe I am. Maybe this is just something I made up in my head. Maybe I have always lowered my expectations on being socially accepted so as not to be disappointed. Or maybe I am simply not satisfied with who I've become. I wouldn't know. Or maybe, I refuse to know.
Whatever it is though, I feel lonely. I have a feeling that I probably always will. And while this realization saddens me, a part of me know that I am used to it. Maybe that's why I blog all the time, lock myself in my room on my free days and resort to all these social networking sites to see the world.
There's no point to this, really. It's just one of those days wherein I feel a little lonely and sad and decided to use my blog to let it out. I know I am a little crazy for sharing something this personal to everyone, but hey. Maybe you feel the same way. And if you do, well -- don't feel so bad. I feel it too.
9 comments:
What a great post. I actually tend to be quite social at times, and don't have problem approaching people, but still I often feel as if friends are just forced to be nice to me. My loneliness comes in waves from mild thoughts in the back of my head, to overwhelming fears that I am only getting more and more lonely as life goes on. It's funny though how tough it is to admit loneliness to friends and family, just because the cure to loneliness is often other people. By saying this to the ones you love, it is the most vulnerable way to reach out, basically saying, life without you is painful. I'm not sure if someday I'll know a different feeling than loneliness, but it is nice to know someone else out there feels the same way.
Just don't let the loneliness get to you all the time. Thanks Bobby! :)
"there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock."
~ Charles Bukowski
Last fall I was sitting in my truck with my best friend. I looked at her and said " I've come to the decision that I'm lonely." She sat for a moment. "Yea, you are lonely. And knowing you, you'll probably always be lonely. But you're ok with it. At least, it's not going to rule your life."
You're not alone in your loneliness (haha). There are others, probably multitudes, that are the same way. Though as you said we rarely talk about it. It's just a constant undercurrent of our lives.
I stumbled upon your blog, but I'll definitely return to read more. This post impressed me alone!
~Ryan Avery
Hi Ryan,
Appreciation such as this makes me less lonely, thank you so much!
- Kat
Yeah, strangely enough I've always felt that way. It didn't matter where I went or who I was with, I've always felt like I don't fit. Like you I sometimes feel like it's my fault, like I should be doing more and I try to. I don't know.
Ever since I was a kid, nothing has felt right. Just feels like I just don't fit anywhere. Depressing. Like you this is one of those days for me.
It'll get better Nick, just hang in there. :)
- Kat
I often feel like that too. But that happens mostly when I'm browsing through my oh-so-many accounts on different social network.
For example, when I have classes on a day that my friend plan their hang outs on, I would skip it. The next day, skipping it became a huge regret because the picture they post up on facebook the next day seem like that had so much fun without me.
Or when i'm reading tweets on twitter : "sleeping over at rachel's tonight". After that a million thoughts will pass through my mind saying, "oh you're not popular enough to get invited to their sleepover." or "Did u do something wrong to not get invited to a sleepover??".
So its really frustrating at times. And I learned not to browse through my home in facebook often. (though its really hard not to came across some of it.)
Hi Eunice!
I used to feel the same way too, but as you grow older, you will eventually appreciate yourself more and do certain things bec it makes you happy and not because everybody else is doing it. :)
Thanks for reading my blog!
Kat
[...] recently I have seen a spike in my blog hits with the post “On Loneliness” being the most viewed. I received personal emails from random people full of words of [...]
Post a Comment