till we meet again, maki.

i remember the first time i met my good friend maki when he transferred to our team in etel, he was this super perky guy that i was really annoyed at first. i used to say "ano ba to feeling close naman to," until his perkiness dragged me into being a happy person too. we talk a lot, chat a lot and text a lot -- i enjoy his company because despite being constantly sick -- you will never hear any negativity in him. he is hands down one of the most jolly person i have ever met.

he's a regular in hospitals ever since, and it would amaze me how was he able to chat with me and send me his dextrose pics while he's confined. he used to tell us, "sakit ng mayaman to no!" and then we would laugh and the guys in our team would tell him to shut up.

i will never forget this one time when i had problems of the heart. he sat beside my workstation and started to chat about this new girl he's seeing. it took him one look at me to know that i am not okay and won't stop asking me to spill what's wrong. after telling him briefly what happened, he just hugged me and joked -- "sige para sayo magbbrowse ako sa adult friend finder at ihahanap kita ng the best guy in town! kaw kasi ayaw mo sakin e!" then i laughed and felt better afterwards.

i cannot remember any incident wherein he did not hug me whenever he sees me in the hallway or along northgate. he's line is always "katsu!!!" then he would open his arms really wide until i go the other way to avoid his hug. when he left etel, it hadn't stopped him from staying in touch with me. he's one of my daily quote senders and would always text me when he's around northgate so we could meet up.

we went home together twice last november, he's already in hsbc and he would text me telling me that he's along the waiting shed waiting for me. i told him my plans of leaving the company and he was bragging to me the cool discount card from Victoria Court that he got from his friend. i laughed at him and told him "eh wala ka naman paggagamitan nyan e!" and then he said, "display lang baket!"

he would force me to go on early break just so i could go down and smoke with him during his break time at hsbc. and during ondoy days he was at the office and waited for me so he could share my umbrella, "masisira getup ko!" -- when all he's wearing is his familiar blue jacket.

my last memory of him was last month, it was my last day at etel and i was walking around northgate -- he's at his usual spot smoking. he called me and asked me if i can wait for him so we can go home again together. i was pretty tired then and i wanted to go home asap so i said i couldn't wait for him. few steps forward, he called me again and walked toward me and whispered, "ayusin mo shirt mo sa likod nakikitaan ka na, ikaw talaga." .. and i never even remembered to say thank you. then a month after, he's gone.

i could go on and on about all the happy and sad moments i had with him, but i know our friendship remains in my heart. i didn't know it was this painful losing someone, he is not just a colleague -- he is one hell of a good friend.

 

thanks for being a part of my life maki, i love you my friend -- i will miss you forever.

TTYL,

year-end assessment

another year is about to end and here i am reminiscing the highlights of my life this year. it was sure of a rollercoaster ride, the year wherein i learned the most and experienced extreme emotions.

in the beginning of this year, one of my bestfriends' mom was killed for reasons still unknown. it was a huge blow for her and for me too bec it was my first time to actually know someone who was killed on purpose. it was my first encounter on human cruelty -- little did i know i'd meet more later this year.

good things came my way come feb, as i was promoted to team lead -- handling 16 agents. i became more focused with work and really learned a lot during the process. leadership was not easy, and my previous mentor was right -- most of it i had to learn through experience. i had to overcome several threats, and it did not take me long enough to figure out that sometimes you have to play along to understand the rules of the game.

someone whom i treated as my mentor told me the most shocking thing in the world last april. i knew at that time that it was just a game, a game i am not in the mood to play. work is all i can think of, and although i earned the position -- i felt that i needed to prove my worth to everyone. we did not talk for weeks, until he told me that he was over it -- and we went back to our usual closeness.

i went out on a couple of dates, but none of them became exclusive -- maybe because i really wasn't looking for commitment as i am enjoying my bachelorette life so much. countless inuman sessions, night outs here and there. i was having fun (thank god for my ultimate girl friends!), but i must admit i knew something is missing and a part of me feels lonely at the end of the day.

stress on work became frequent come mid of this year. i am a workaholic person, majority of my tenure at the company would have me being really perked up for work. that's why when it came to a point that i am literally dragging myself to work, i knew i had to think that maybe a career move is necessary for me. but i enjoy leading my team so much, that i set it aside and try to focus on what needs to be done.

just when i thought i was about to end the year straight up, i became close to a guy come september. his reputation is horrible and i was told countless times to stay away. it has always been a part of me to see the best in people, and that's what i did. his vulnerability got me to believe his sincerity and eventually, i fell. part of me knew that it wouldn't last, so i just made the most of it and dropped him.

and then he told me those three words that shook me. and weirdly enough, i believed him even though all the clues are telling me otherwise. it did not take long before he told me the truth, and i had no trouble accepting it. accepted yes, but painful -- hell yes. i guess the reason for the pain is not the fact that he's not for me, but the fact that i kept on clouding myself for months that i was just another girl who was stupid enough to believe that we might actually have a happy ending. i closed my doors to anyone for two weeks, though i still receive a lot of revelations pointing to the harsh reality that he was not whom i thought he was. i used it to my advantage to get better, and i was proud of myself that i am now able to smile in less than a month after the storm.

just like last year, i also lost a friend this december. he was very important to me and treated him as my all-in-one friend. i'd like to think that he did not want to drop me, and that it was a decision he had to make. losing him made me realize that people do really change, and some of them -- even overnight. i learned to take care of my friends more, and make sure not to do anything that may damage it even for a tiniest bit.

december is also a month of fun, as my good friend came from abroad once again. it was a different setup this time though. we are going out on a different set of friends as compared to last year. i love being with them because knowing them for 14 years made us feel comfortable around each other -- talking about anything without pretentions and hesitations.

i decided to leave my beloved company of almost three years too. i felt that 2010 was the perfect time to start anew on a different company with an entirely different crowd. it was a very difficult decision to make, around 60% of the reason being my attachment to my team. but i promised them that this wouldn't end there, and that i'll be keeping in touch.

upon leaving the company, i was surprised to know of people who wanted to pursue me months ago but was pushed back for some reason. i turned them down, not because i don't like them -- but because i am really not ready to open myself to anyone for the next couple of months. i want to give back to myself what i had lost -- and i know that it would only happen if i take total control of myself and be happy on my own.

so just like last year, i'm facing 2010 alone. i'm sure it's going to be one hell of a ride again, this time applying all the lessons i learned this year. i am still me, only wiser and stronger. :-)

TTYL,

on finding a useful distraction.

okay, so here i am again. finding myself in the exact same situation i was one year ago. i promised myself i will not write anything about my feelings here in my public blog, but what the hell.. at this point who cares about anything anymore?

falling for someone with a horrible reputation is definitely a risky process. but knowing me, stubborn that i am, took the risk and believed all the sweet talks wishing that what he has for me is something different and real. of course, i found out i was dead wrong shortly. i knew the exact reason for the fall out, and it sucks that up to the last minute i was denied of the truth. i am not mad, i am just disappointed that he was not man enough to tell it to my face. as what my blog states, the painful truth is always better than some fabricated sweet lie.

so here i was, informed that my time is up and that i was expired. o-kay. to top it up, things at work is not doing any good either. i was having the worst week of my life.

i'd like to think that what i am going through is bad karma, and at some point i'd like to dwell on the pain so guilt will not forever live within me. but i guess i'm only human, and needs a really good dose of distraction to keep me sane. what have i done so far?

1. deactivated my facebook account.

2. bought a couple of good mags and books to read to keep me from going online.

3. shop shop shop.

4. meet up with old friends.

i still have a lot to work on, especially on what to do when lapses strike me. i treat myself right now as an ongoing project, and when i am done i'm sure i will be as good as i was nearly 3 months ago. =)

TTYL,

the excuse that i hate the most.

"I don't have time!"

it's frustrating whenever i hear people say that excuse. time, of course, is a finite resource and it's conceivable that you could have run out of it. but what is most irritating is that the people that most use this excuse are the lazy procrastinating types who would rather make excuses than actually do the task requested.

whenever someone tells me that, i always feel like telling that person "i don't have the time to listen to you say 'you don't have the time' because that is bullshit!"

i mean, come on. who are we fooling here? if it is important to you, you'll make the time. if it is important to you, you'll find the time. if it is important to you, you'll set aside other tasks to attend to it. but let's face it, what you're really saying is that "i have things to attend to, which in my perspective, is a more important task than what you are asking for." worse, it could be "i don't care about finishing that task at all" or in a more personal perspective, "i don't care about you!" which in my opinion is a more acceptable reason than telling me that you don't have the freakin' time.

okay, i'm a hypocrite if i tell you i've never used that excuse in my life. i did. although you will rarely hear me say that line, still, i spend most of my day at home locked up in my room instead of spend time with my family whom i dearly love. i guess self-improvement only comes when we recognize that the flaws that we see in others reflected in ourselves and we make the choice to acknowledge those flaws and strive to improve as a person.

just my two cents.

(i'd probably give more than two, but i just don't have the time!)

TTYL,

there's no such thing as 'meant to be.'

two days ago i went to watch "(500) Days of Summer" @ glorietta. i was informed not to see the film with someone whom i just started dating since it will just draw out every doubt in my mind with the person sitting next to me. however, if i am pretty confident with the guy, then by all means watch the film with him.

i watched the movie with him. now, i'm not sure what's running through his head while watching it but i can't help myself glancing at him everytime the lines hit me. there are two things that stuck to my head while watching it: 1.) the build up. 2.) fate.

1.) the build up

Tom is the type of guy who believes in true love, so much that he blinded himself to the way Summer treated him and the lack of appreciation she had for him by focusing only on the good times they shared and disregarding the poor way she treated him. in life, we are all guilty of the same attitude that Tom displayed. we build the person up in our minds to the point that we believe that the person is made for us. the movie teaches us that sometimes we have to look beyond the fairy tale we think we live in and get feedback from friends about the person we put on a pedestal. it hit me with the reality that it's nearly impossible to make an accurate assessment of a person when such strong emotions are involved.

2.) fate

Summer mentioned how she could have been anywhere else in the world, but that coffeehouse. she could have arrived just a couple minutes later and she would have never met "the one," but it was because of “fate” that she ended up where she did when she did. she also mentioned about being engaged so quickly because she woke up one morning and just knew what she was never sure of during the many months she was with Tom. i remember saying "ouch..." when Summer said those lines. and i just nodded slowly, knowing how true was that in real life. i have encountered a lot of couples who got married in just months of being together, and some of them used to be in a relationship for 6-7 years and yet the idea of marriage never crossed their minds.

there's no such thing as soulmates. if you close your mind to that belief then you have to be prepared for the biggest heartbreak of your life. being real and keeping your eyes open is a big factor in finding your true love. he/she have to appreciate all your flaws and love you even without a tiara or a wand. fairy tales don't come true, and there will be times that both of you will not live happily ever after.

on our way out of the cinema, we are both smiling. it's a chick flick so i don't know if he was able to comprehend the lessons of the movie. then he looked at me in the eye and told me he missed me and that he wants to be with me.

and there i was, blinded once again.

TTYL,