all good things must come to an end.

i hate such line. my mentor mentioned that once when he's planning to resign and move out of the country. sabi naman ng emo kong friend "huwag nang simulan ang matatapos rin lang," kahit gaano pa ito kaganda. argh.

and how can you end something that hasn't really started in the first place? how good it has to be before i let go? and what if i don't want to? will it turn out bad?

i am so screwed. is it really possible to be beyond happiness and extreme pain as well? yung feeling na nasa cloud 9 ka pero dark clouds naman?Ü seriously, fate really has a way of playing with my life. parang nag-enjoy ata siya. tipong he wants me to experience all emotions at the same time, and in a span of like 3 weeks? it really really sucks. nakakabaliw. mixed extreme emotions? are you kidding me? kakain nalang ako ng bubog.

at first everything is hell. i drink. i smoke. i curse. then before i knew it, it went so good. i was briefly in nirvana. and then shortly after, reality hit me. i was already in extreme pain. and guilt. i feel like i'm the bad girl. the kontrabida. unknowingly, i became attached to it that detaching myself became so hard. no one is asking me to, but i know i have to. perhaps for my own sanity?

signs that i'm still sane:

• i still cry

• i accept the fact that this is not permanent

• i worry about the people that i care about first before me

• i try to be open-minded

• i can still write about how i feel

when i start writing stuff like *%#%&*%#!@#$^($#@%%@!, then please do me a favor and call an ambulance.

can someone teach me the science of emotional detachment?

LSS.Ü

STOLEN
by Dashboard Confessional

We watch the season pull up its own stakes
And catch the last weekend of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced,
Another sun soaked season fades away

You have stolen my heart

Invitation only, grant farewells
Crush the best one, of the best ones
Clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight

You have stolen my heart

And from the ballroom floor we are in celebration
One good stretch before our hibernation
Our dreams assured and we all, will sleep well

You have stolen
You have stolen my heart

I watch you spin around in the highest heels
You are the best one, of the best ones
We all look like we feel

You have stolen my
You have stolen my heart

thoughts on men.

some points for men:

1. some girls have a specific preference for movies. yung iba gusto ng chick flick, yung iba suspense. it really differs from each one of us. wag sasama ang loob mo kung hindi niya magustuhan ang gusto mo, kasi iba ka iba rin ako. kung ayaw mo ng 'sex and the city,' ganun din siya sa 'death note.' deal with it. pag may ibang tao na nag-suggest sa kanya at pinanood niya, huwag sasama ang loob mo kasi malay mo naman nakita niya ang preview ng pelikula at naengganyo siya, hindi ba?

2. kung makikipag-email or makikipagtext ka sa ibang babae regardless of the topic at ayaw mong mabasa niya, then try to be as discreet as possible. huwag niyo ipakita sa amin. simple. some of us really don't care about the topic, but how you react when we try to read the thread. kung hindi naman kagalit galit ang nilalaman ng thread pero ayaw mo paring malaman niya at hindi inaasahang dumating siya bigla sa tabi mo, then explain who you're talking to and what is it about. hindi kailangang sumigaw, tapikin ang kamay para lang bitawan ang mouse, at magalit. isipin mo sanang may mga tao sa paligid at napapahiya yung taong sinasabi mong mahal mo. kung sayo gawin yun, matutuwa ka ba? ano iisipin mo?

3. huwag kang umasa na maging sweet sayo ang taong mahal mo lalo na pagkatapos mo siyang sigawan (refer to scenario #2). naghihintay siya ng sorry mo, nakalimutan mo na ba? konting pakiramdam naman. sinigawan mo na nga siya dahil sa ka-email mo, hindi ka pa nakuntento at na-wrong send ka pa sa kanya. imbes na 'sorry' ang marinig niya, para mo siyang binigyan ng mag-asawang sampal. hindi ka na nga humingi ng tawad, tinawag mo pa siyang walang kwenta dahil hindi ka sinuportahan sa pag-aapply mo sa ibang posisyon.

4. we'd appreciate it more if you sincerely say sorry instead of buying us gifts. although we like pampering, sincerity is still the key. hindi nagsasalita ng 'sorry' at 'i love you' ang snickers at sinigang. walang kwenta ang tsokolate mo kung pagkatapos non ay makikipag-away ka. nag-aksaya ka lang ng 30pesos. eh kung binili mo nalang yun ng hallmark card eh di alam pa niya kung ano nararamdaman mo diba? problem solved pa!

5. accept the fact na may sariling isip din kami. pag sinabi niyang kakain siya sa mcdo mag-isa, in as early as 5 seconds pwede niyang gawing jollibee yun. hindi ibig sabihin non nagsisinungaling siya sayo. huwag mong lagyan ng ibang kahulugan ang lahat ng bagay. hindi lahat ng salita may synonym. magkaiba ang pagwoworry sa paranoia.

6. being close to men is not exactly flirting. some girls prefer talking to men because most men are blunt, downright honest and do not gossip. kaya when it comes to serious stuff, minsan mas gusto naming lumapit sa mga lalaki for advice. kaya kung may partner kaming seloso, dun kami lumalapit sa mga kaibigan ninyo para hindi kami mapag-isipan ng masama. konting preno sa pagseselos dahil baka sa pagiging tactless niyo pati kaibigan niyo mawala sainyo.

7. practice what you preach. huwag ka manumbat kung ayaw mong sumbatan ka. gusto mong manahimik? then shut the fuck up. gusto mo makipag-ayos? mean it. hindi yung malingat lang siya kung ano-ano na sinasabi mo. huwag kang unreasonable kung ikaw mismo ilang beses na nag-attempt na mangbabae. strong and dominant women don't let things like that pass. let's say yung balak mong beerhouse pinalagpas niya at hindi na naging issue pa, simpleng sumakay lang sa frontseat ng friend's car wala ka na agad tiwala? grow up.

8. ASKING is different than QUESTIONING. bilang partner, karapatan mong magtanong all you want. at malugod namin itong sasagutin. may nakita kang solo picture niya na hindi mo alam kung saan kinuha? magtanong ka. open-ended questions are more encouraged. huwag kang gumawa ng hypothesis sa isang bagay na wala kang ideya kung tungkol saan. gather facts. verify information. huwag niyo kaming gulatin na may namumuo na palang conclusion diyan sa utak niyo without even letting us present our facts. practice fair judgment.

9. don't ask if you won't believe. rebutting is allowed, but do not accuse. you can ask "who do you go home with?" when she said none, you can follow it up with "i wonder why you're at the front seat of someone else's car? when was this?" then she can casually say that "oh that was when we went to baywalk for our GA, six of my teammates are at the back." instead of something like "oh, i thought a guy w/ a fortuner drops you off everyday from work." and you honestly think na maganda ang isasagot sayo? think again.

10. and lastly, love cannot flourish without trust. back to back yan e. yin yang. walang mangyayari sa isang relasyong walang trust. alamin mo kung bakit nawala yung trust mo sa kanya. hindi pwedeng 'for some reason.' dahil ba sa feeling mo lumamig siya sayo? ask her. have a heart-to-heart to talk and work from there. hindi yung makikipag-away for an outrageous reason, then bigla nalang sasabihin mo 'together we'll resolve this.' no woman in her right mind will let a man down if he approached nicely. and no sane woman will sit down and talk with a man who thinks of her as a lying whore.

NOTE:

**this is solely my opinion and of course may not apply to all men**

**written with my heart weighing twice as it used to be**

diary of a broken heart.

"Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more."
- Dr. Meredith Grey in Grey's Anatomy

dear diary,

i don't know where to start. all i know is that i want to write about how i feel. i need a medium to let this out and i don't want to bore my friends listening about my pathetic life.

i am in deep pain. only three people on earth knows exactly how i am right now. my TL, joyce and marvin. i keep avoiding this topic because i hate to seek other people's advice on love. and i hate them see me all wounded. my heart is so heavy, but still amazingly beating. i tried to go out with friends, but at the end of the night, the truth remains the same: he's gone. it feels so abnormal, i'm still shivering at the thought. i have already cried buckets in the arms of my friends, but i know deep down that it's still his arms that i want. but it's not that easy. the accusations are too much to handle, the love is not healthy, there is no trust and the differences are irreconcilable. i don't know if i can still look at him in the eye with the same feelings as before. working at the same workplace as he is gets different as time goes by, and seeing him is like stabbing my heart countless times.

my TL told me he admires me for carrying my problems well, and he's right. i'm not the kind of girl who mope in front of people, i guess that's because i'm easily distracted. i'm taking this pain in a manner that most brokenhearted can't. i bet most people who are in the same pain as i am wouldn't have the courage to write just like what i'm doing right now. how do i manage? well for one thing, i'm writing right now with loud RnB songs at the background (thank you usher and lil wayne).

i am not fine. but i will be. i accept that there is no shortcut and no other way but to deal with it. this is something i got over with before, and i am positive that my heart and soul will heal again on its own. my sanity is still intact and under no circumstances will i let it out of control. i am a smart girl. the day will come when i can smile to myself because i succeeded. again.

the soon-to-be-happy-heart,

kathleen

surprise. :)

i was such in a henious mood at work (which is entitled to a whole different blog entry), when i got a call from a dear friend who just came back from the other side of the world. :P it made me smile since its been almost 10 years since i last saw her. i'm not allowed to mention her name because i'm the first girl friend she called and she wants to meet everyone as a surprise.

we're meeting up tomorrow.

i missed you girl. welcome back.Ü